Having Deep and Difficult Conversations When in a Relationship
You’re likely to get the things you want when you ask for them.
Similarly, in relationships, it’s always better to address issues and problems by talking about them. If you are afraid of initiating deep and difficult conversations, you won’t get what you want.
Most importantly, you will fail to point out aspects that will potentially harm your relationship when neglected. At the same time, waiting for your partner to initiate the conversation is a way of giving them all the power in your relationship.
Sometimes, it’s difficult to figure out when exactly is the right time to open up to your partner. That is why it’s better to discuss issues immediately as they surface. This way, you can avoid complicating the problem.
Ground Rules When Having Deep and Difficult Conversations
Before you talk it out, here are a few rules to keep in mind:
1. Speak with each other directly.
Avoid misunderstandings by being direct. Make sure you both have a clear head during the conversation so you can freely and clearly express everything you want to say.
2. Talk at the same eye level.
If one of you is seated, the other should also be. It’s not right for one person to be physically above or below the other during a conversation.
3. Avoid playing the blame game.
Remember the purpose of your conversation. You’re having ‘the talk’ because you want to settle things between you, not lecture one another. Pinning the blame against each other will not help you in any way. It will only cause tension.
4. Speak in a calm tone.
When you speak calmly, the person you are talking to is inclined to listen. What you say will be taken as facts rather than opinions. This will also help your partner focus on your message rather than your emotions.
5. Don’t curse, insult, or name-call.
Difficult conversations help address the underlying issues in your relationships. When you curse, insult, or name-call your partner while talking, it can only trigger anger. Make sure you treat them with respect throughout the conversation.
6. Wait for your turn.
Both of you have a say in the issues you will discuss. That said, never interrupt your partner when talking. It’s disrespectful and will make them think their opinions are not valued.
7. Don’t overgeneralize.
Just because you’re upset doesn’t mean you can exaggerate things to make your partner feel bad. When talking to each other, you should avoid using the words never, always, nothing, and everything because they’re not clear in delivering a message.
8. Listen.
One way to effectively listen is by freeing your mind from forming a response or a rebuttal while your partner is talking. Process what you hear and make sure you understand it well.
9. Don’t aim to be right.
You’re not in competition. After your talk, no one wins, and no one loses. The purpose why you’re talking is to address relationship issues, not to know who is right and who is wrong.
10. Focus on what you’re dealing with.
Avoid bringing things up that are not related to your topic of discussion. It will not help, and you will only come off as trying to be right.
11. Don’t leave the conversation unfinished.
Your resentment will only grow when you do this. Avoid assuming that you know what’s on each other’s minds because your feelings and expectations change from time to time.
The key to an effective conversation is observing the right way to do it. With these simple rules, you will solve any relationship problems that come your way.
Planning a Conversation Beforehand
It’s not always easy to have this kind of conversation.
That is why it’s advisable to prepare yourself. So when the time comes, you can effectively deliver your point across. Before doing so, make sure you have decided what you want to achieve after talking with each other. Have a plan in case the conversation doesn’t turn out how you expected it to be.
On the other hand, timing is also crucial. Choose a time when both of you are not stressed out to avoid a negative turn of events.
Most importantly, know your next steps. If your partner demands a few conditions, know what you’re capable of giving, tolerating, and considering. All of these are necessary when you deal with an important issue.
Common Difficult Topics to Talk About
As a couple, you can talk about different things, whether they matter or not. Naturally, conversations are a part of your relationship, and they serve a lot of purposes.
However, there are topics that are hard to bring up. Below are some:
- Sex and Intimacy
- Money
- Relationship Unhappiness
- Commitment
- Goals and Future Plans
- Boundaries
- Emotional Needs
- Trust and Betrayal
- Health Issues
- Expectations
- Past Relationships
As your relationship grows, you’ll realize that you still have many other difficult things to discuss. Regardless, as long as you know how to communicate with each other, you will have little-to-no problem solving your issues.
Pitfalls You Must Look Out For
Being too keen on your partner’s responses can easily result in communication mistakes while talking to them. Avoid this by looking out for some of the common pitfalls when having difficult conversations:
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Starting the conversation with an attack instead of an invitation. You can try saying, “Can you tell me what you think about it?” rather than, “I noticed that you always…”
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Dragging people into your relationship issues. Solve your problems together without involving other people.
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Not listening because you’re too busy trying to come up with a better response.
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Resorting to name-calling and other disrespectful behavior.
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Stretching an issue by backtracking past mistakes.
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Not giving off the right body language.
If your conversation still goes badly despite your efforts to contain the situation, know that you can always ask for help. When you deal with relationship problems and issues, you’re not alone.
There’s no reason for you to be afraid of having deep and difficult conversations. After all, the benefits of having this kind of conversation outweigh all the risks it comes with.
Remember that you have to be in the right state of mind when having such conversations with a partner.
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