Lack of Chemistry in Relationships: What Can You Do About It?

People say your love grows stronger as time goes on. But what if this hasn’t been the case for you?

Chemistry is a magical thing. There’s nothing like the feeling of sparks flying during your first encounter, right? And when you hit it off, the fire you both feel gets hotter, drawing you to each other like magnets.

That sounds well and good, but infatuation is temporary. Naturally, you’ll want to progress into a more stable status, yes?

It’s okay to lose some of the initial sparks. However, things can become problematic if there’s a glaring lack of chemistry. What can couples do to remedy such a problem?

Let’s do a deep dive into chemistry (no, not the scientific field) and see what makes it tick. From there, we’ll figure out how to address the elephant in the room and fix it.

Chemistry Explained

Having no chemistry in a relationship is a major problem. But let’s first define chemistry.

The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines the term as a “strong mutual attraction, attachment, or sympathy.” It also describes it as an “interaction between people working together, specifically: when harmonious or effective.”

To put it loosely, chemistry is the emotional force pulling you toward a person (or in some cases, groups of people). Think of it this way: it’s like the alcohol that spikes a punch bowl. Marriage and sex therapist Jane Greer describes it well in a Glamour piece:

Chemistry is that cocktail of ingredients in which attraction,
interest, desire, curiosity, and longing all come together. You’re
turned on to the person, and you experience it on a physical as well
as an emotional level. Think racing heart rate, butterflies in the
stomach — there’s an excitement and energy that come into play when
chemistry is at work.

The Science

The figurative notion of chemistry is orchestrated by the actual chemistry in your brain.

One study examined the MRI results of 17 participants who were deeply in love. Upon looking at photos of their loved ones, MRI scans displayed that specific dopamine-rich areas of their brains linked to motivation and reward were up and kicking.

Going by that study’s results, it won’t be preposterous to say there’s no lack of chemistry with somebody when you feel sparks flying.

What causes romantic chemistry? Your hormones. Dopamine is released when we do feel-good things, which include hanging out with loved ones. Once we’re attracted to somebody, dopamine levels shoot up, and norepinephrine makes its way to the party.

Do you wonder why we can’t seem to do anything else when we’re thinking of the object of our affection? That’s the latter doing its job! Norepinephrine is responsible for the energetic and giddy moods we have when falling for someone.

Signs You Don’t Have Chemistry with Someone

Now that we’ve defined chemistry, you can now identify whether or not you have it in your relationship.

Normally, when you don’t have chemistry, you’ll just know.

But many people are in denial about how unsatisfying their relationships are and fail to see the signs that they shouldn’t be together.

Here are some of the signs:

Looking at each other feels hollow

Sometimes, words aren’t necessary when you want to say something to someone. One look can do the talking for you. Scarface’s Tony Montana made sense when he said the eyes never lie.

Let’s say you’re out on a first date. When you look each other in the eyes, you don’t feel anything. Is that bad? We think it’s a troubling sign.

Lacking chemistry on the first date sucks, so you should be concerned about hollow eye contact. It’s pretty telling if you look at your match the same way you stare at everyone else.

Intimacy is boring you.

Can you be intimate with someone without chemistry? Sure. However, it won’t be as great without the sparks. Not every moment has to be mind-blowing, but it’s worrisome if you’re consistently bored.

Their touch doesn’t make you feel anything

You know there’s no lack of chemistry if a simple touch is enough to set you off (in a good way, of course). If someone’s touch isn’t electrifying you, your chances will, unfortunately, be a long shot.

Their smell doesn’t excite you

This may sound weird, but hear us out: someone’s smell can be attractive! A person’s unique musk can turn a person on. If their natural scent can’t get you excited, there may be nothing else to attract you.

Kisses don’t feel special

One telltale sign of chemistry is the high you get during and coming off a kiss. Kisses cause serotonin, oxytocin, and dopamine to burst, which explains the feel-good aftermath. If you feel empty after kissing, the chemistry may not just be there.

Don’t Lose That Loving Feeling: How to Build Chemistry in a Relationship

Now that we’ve identified the red flags in the chemistry department, we’ll switch gears to something more positive.

Are you having chemistry troubles? How about going back to the drawing board and doing a rebuild? Sometimes, going back to baby steps helps you solve problems.

Although these tips revolve around building chemistry from the ground up, you can apply these in your attempts to rekindle it.

Figure your desires out

What do you two want out of your relationship? If neither of you can meet each other’s desires, chances are, you’ll both be looking to fulfill them somewhere else. That’s not great!

Look for common ground

You wouldn’t have a lack of chemistry if there was a ton of common ground to work with in the first place. You don’t have to match each other’s every philosophy and principle, but you should at least agree on most things. It won’t do if you two come from opposing poles.

Keep each other curious

Curiosity may kill the cat, but it makes for more satisfying relationships! Even science seems to think so.

How? Keeping each other on your toes releases dopamine, making you feel happier. It’s called the “feel-good” hormone for a reason! Curiosity will make relationships feel like a desired priority rather than an annoying chore.

Step outside your comfort zone on occasion

Are things getting stale? Step outside the box for a change! Do things you haven’t done together to avoid falling into routine-like patterns. Take your partner out for a spontaneous trip to the countryside. Go out and eat food from an exotic restaurant. Not only will you gain new experiences, but you’ll also have a fond memory to look back on.