Why Your Most Ambivalent Relationships Are the Most Toxic

We’ve all been warned of the red flags—abusive behavior, dishonesty, gaslighting, and possessiveness, to name a few.

However, it turns out that toxicity isn’t black-and-white. While there are those we can detect a mile away, others can trick us into thinking they’re harmless.

Ambivalent relationships fall into the latter category. Because they’re partly good and partly bad, you might think they’re only halfway into becoming red flags.

However, due to the great uncertainty they bring, you’ll discover sooner or later that your most ambivalent relationships are the most toxic.

1. Unpredictability causes Stress

We all know that toxic relationships (e.g., indifferent and aversive) cause stress. However, recent studies show that ambivalent ones are even more stressful.

One experiment revealed that when people were primed with ambivalent relationships, they had a higher heart rate in comparison to when they were primed with purely negative relationships (Carlisle et al. 2012).

This is because ambivalence in relationships makes things unpredictable. You’re always on your toes since you don’t know when to brace for impact or if you even have to.

That’s worse than dealing with someone hot or cold. In such a case, you know what to expect, positive or negative.

However, not knowing what you’re up against makes you ill-prepared and puts you at an evident disadvantage.

2. Lack of Trust

Your most ambivalent relationships are the most toxic because you can never fully rely on them.

For instance, when dating an ambivalent partner, you’re often unsure of their actions. Understandably, you would hesitate to trust them. You might sometimes doubt if they mean what they say or think twice when asking them for help.

As a result, you may feel insecure and defensive. You might have pleasurable encounters at times, but deep down, you don’t feel safe in such a relationship.

3. Less Intimacy

The lack of trust will consequently distance you from the relationship. You’ll withhold intimate things about yourself because you’re not sure if your secrets are safe with them.

Also, a relationship that keeps you guessing will push you to build walls in case of a blow. You have to be mentally fit and emotionally ready at any given moment. You’ll then be more focused on protecting yourself from your partner than nurturing intimacy with them.

4. Disappointments are more Frustrating

Ambivalent people do have a positive side, and when they let this manifest, everything feels great. This makes those bad days in your relationship seem trivial and manageable.

But when their vibes change, the disappointment becomes more difficult to tolerate. It’s more frustrating because you expect more from someone you like than someone you utterly dislike. You have high hopes for a moment, but they quickly come crashing down when the winds in your sail change.

You Give More Than You Gain

Your most ambivalent relationships are the most toxic because they can fully consume you.

Their positive side convinces you to give them a chance, so you stay. However, the negative side and the overall ambiguity eventually outweigh the promising possibilities of the relationship.

Ambivalent relationships between our co-workers and frenemies are already complicated. But it gets distinctly problematic when ambivalence happens in the romantic sphere.

You might manage at the outset, but ultimately, it’s not worth it.

Reference

Carlisle, McKenzie, Bert Uchino, David Sanbonmatsu, Timothy Smith, Matthew Cribbet, Wendy Birmingham, Kathleen Light, and Allison Vaughn. 2011. “Subliminal activation of social ties moderates cardiovascular reactivity during acute stress.” Health Psychology 31, no. 2 (August): 217-225. 10.1037/a0025187.